I struggle sometimes, like anyone, to stay positive.
I am a sustenance worker, meaning I make just enough money between my two jobs to pay rent, bills, and afford my animals. I often don't have any extra money for food or fun, but I have been making it by.

Then I broke my foot.
3000+ dollars gone. My parent's helped me out, using their tax return that I am slowly paying back, and my boyfriend helped me SO much by driving me to and from work so that I didn't have to crutch a mile there and back every day.

Then I needed to get a root canal.
My upper jaw on the left side is infected/super sensitive and I am in agonizing pain, on penicillin and now antibiotics, and Lortab to just deal with the pain, but it hardly helps. I spend hours a day shaking and crying with shooting pain ripping through the side of my face.
The canal cost me 400+ dollars.

Then, due to my gums being infected, my wisdom teeth are flaring up in even more pain.
Today I had to have one of my wisdom teeth pulled from beside the tooth that had the root canal, in an emergency dental appointment I had to make while crying at work.
I will be billed, I yet to know what that has cost me.

Lortab makes me dizzy and shaky and I space out all the time.
I was walking in the rain, and my iPhone dropped out of my pocket and into a five inch deep puddle. It seems to be working but the lock and unlock button, doesn't, and I'm worried that it will die on me before my 18 month anniversary with AT&T (another 6 months to go)and I can upgrade.
To replace my phone would cost me $599 out of pocket.

I'm cashing in my vacations again this year, for money instead of time off, so I can afford to move, let alone all these bills.
I am moving because my roommate ditched me and our apartment, apparently because she is "tired of paying rent and being poor all the time"....so she is forcing me to move, which is costing me a lot of money and inconvenience.
Well, maybe she now has enough money -now that she freeloads off her mom- to get her wisdom teeth looked at. I'm certainly doing fine on my own....except I cant get ahead, need MY wisdom teeth looked at too, and she selfishly screwed me over to save herself money at the expense of our friendship and my livelihood.

BUT, I'm trying to stay positive, but doped up on Lortab, poor, stressed, without hot water (because my roommate turned off the Natural Gas when she left) so I cant do my dishes or shower, makes it difficult keep moving forward. I am in so much pain and i have to work both jobs tomorrow, starting at 7am and going through til 8:30pm...
I feel like I'm just going to implode and die...I'm on the verge of tears whenever I'm not spaced out enough by my painkillers to be oblivious, but I'm trying to stay positive.
I have THE.MOST.AMAZING boyfriend ever, and he takes care of me, even if it's just a hug and kiss at the end of the day.
I couldn't do anything these days without him. He is my whole world.

Everything in life that happens today, molds us into who we will be tomorrow.
I know I am a better person because of how I treat my friends, and that I keep on keepin' on.

My dream of adopting a Great White Shark for $50 seems like a far and distant dream at the moment, but one day I will do it.

Right now I have two apartments to pay for, one to clean and one to completely repaint, three weeks to do it in. Wish me luck.

I'll be dreaming of sharks.

It has been a long time since i have posted here, and my former posts really do not fairly represent me anymore.
its called growing up.
i did that.

Still a nerd, still love Harry Potter and Twilight and Dragonball Z, and Pokemon, still hula-hooping and doing silly things with my hair.

I have grown a lot in the last year or so.
how?
I started by moving out of my parents' house. I lived in an apartment with my former-best friend for a year, but that fell apart due to her cruel and selfish behavior. i wont go into details, because this post isn't about trash talking anyone, but lets just say she is someone who uses people, and I have watched her do it for years and yet was somehow still surprised and blindsided when she did it to me.
So i have grown in the way that i don't take for granted that someone is my "best friend" or my roommate. just because i accept someone, accommodate them, suffer to make things work, try really hard, and take pride in my independence, but that doesn't mean anyone else will, or feel the same.
i wouldn't call myself bitter, just wiser.

I am also now in my first romantic relationship. i have never dated before, as has been documented extensively on this site, but i have fallen in love with the most AMAZING guy, and as scared of relationships as i have always been, i feel, and he caught me, and i feel SO safe, so loved, so special, and so lucky.
His name is Matthew, he is my age (a few months older) and i met him through our work, Tops.
Being in a relationship has REALLY helped me mature. i feel like a woman for the first time in my life, i have a sense of self-worth, a real pride about me. worth. its so amazing to look at him, know he is mine, that he chose me. i have cuddled for the first time, and it is the most wonderful thing in life! To snuggle up with someone i love, and watch a movie, or just close my eyes and listen to his heart, has made me truly love and appreciate life for the first time.
I am in love with him, unconditionally and irrevocably. We have only been dating since January 23rd, 2010, but i feel no need to shy away from my heart's desire to be with him, forever.
i know, i know, "first love" blah blah blah, people don't need to date around, if they know what they want, and find someone who fits PERFECTLY.
So long as he will keep me, I am his.
i know you cant rely on someone else to love you to love yourself, and that's not the case here. Matt loving me has made it possible for me to see it is even POSSIBLE to love me. i have learned to love myself, because i have realized that it is OK to love yourself, that i am far from perfect but that it's okay.
i feel healthy for the first time in my life, like i can finally breathe properly for the first time.

About Matt. he is a Manager at Tops. he is smart and witty, funny, and has a sense of humor i can really appreciate. he is a nerd, loves video games (started me on Warcraft) plays guitar, it super tall and slender, with long hair ad a beard. he wears skinny jeans and his favorite colour is purple. tats and piercings, non-smoker, great smile. warm heart, caring and giving. he wants to take care of me, and while I'm dangerously feminist sometimes, he is polishing out my rough edges. his patience with me is astonishing. i cant believe he puts up with me at all.
all i can do is quote Alanis Morissette and her song "Head over Feet"
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault



Being in love has taught me to love not only myself, but others more. i spent the first 23 years of my life intolerant and judgmental. i have flowered now into a woman that says "you gotta do what you gotta do" trying very hard to lead a life that lives and lets live. I have gay friends and it's all good. i don't care what god (if any) you believe in, etc. all i ask from any given person is that if they want me to accept them, that they have to accept me and extend to me that same respect. you know?
I'm not perfect yet, who is? i still have a knee-jerk reaction to be a little hostile, but i'm working on it. nothing happens over night.

I am working on listening better. it drives my boyfriend crazy that i am so stubborn and unwilling to listen to the opinions/advice of others, or if i do just do what i would have done in the first place anyways.
old-habits die hard.
working on it. i honestly am.
feel free to smack me in the mouth. :)

i have had a bad run of health issues lately. broke my right foot, wisdom teeth trying to kill me, had to get a root canal, etc. not fun. :(

I am moving again now. I am leaving my current apartment, and moving into the upper of my older brother's house. he rents out the whole upper floor, and it is a nice place. an old Victorian house, converted into a duplex. it's down on Elmwood, in Allentown. all art and music, queers and hippies. i love it down there. :)
the bathroom is BRIGHT orange, my living room/dining room/parlor are purple, my bedroom is Monster green (as in the energy drink. AMAZING) and the floors are black.
i am moving in with my boyfriend Matt and his friend (also named Matt) Meatsocks.

those are all the updates you get this time. it was a lot.
stuff has happened. :)

looking to be positive, looking to be a better person.

Still Drug-Free. Still Pro-Life. I want to save the oceans. I donate to the ASPCA. My goal in the next year is to adopt a shark (100$ that i have to save up) and I am still drawing. My BF bought me a REALLY great scanner and once i am moved it will be hooked up and i will be back to updating my DA account.

I hope you are all well, healthy, beautiful, and happy.

I worked today, just 4 hours, but it made me REALLY stabby. Stupid stupid people, asking ignorant questions and acting like assholes. Ugg!

Anyways. Working on my hooping, torso in particular. Getting there, getting better….still not successful. I am using my larger lighter hoop, because it is easier to work with due to it’s slower rotation. It also hurts less when it hits me. >_>

I have a free movie pass. I might use it to see Star Trek, because I love Spock so.

Tomorrow I work 8 hours, then I am going to my friend’s hockey game. Will be out late for sure.

Love my hair.

I’ll be dying it in a few days. Something more yellow/orange.

Long time no post. I have been working so much, I haven’t had much of a chance to just sit down and write about how much I have been working. I have just about enough time in my day t twitter. Omg, I twitter way too much. It’s not an addiction…I can live without it…I can quit any time...*sweats after not tweeting in 20 minutes*

So what have I been up to? Hooping, for one. Muscles in my body I didn’t even realize I had are stiff and hurting me, and I have bruises all over my body, causing people to grow concerned. I don’t know which would be worse for people to think; that I am getting the crap beat out of me by a boyfriend….or a child’s toy. I can say that I am improving (very slowly) but hooping is one of those things that will hurt because you're not doing it right, and one day you just get it, and it suddenly doesn’t hurt, and it feels so easy that you wonder how you could have ever struggled in the first place. And then you feel dumb. I’m not at that point yet. Mostly I’m just looking dumb.

Working on my belly dancing. Not happy with my class. I signed up for a “beginner” class, thinking I would go there for an hour each week, learning in that time different moves and how to best execute them. I was assuming I would learn shimmies, and steps, and arm placement. Maybe some history, some information about costuming, etc. instead, I joined a class that is just a woman, Nadia, teaching specific dance steps to a dance she wants us to learn. I come in, and on my first day, without knowing a damn thing, she wants me to just join in where I could. I just looked at what the other women were doing and tried to copy them. I had no guidance, no demonstration or explanation as to how to do any of it. I mean, if all I was going to do was watch and mimic, with no feedback or correction, I could have bought a fucking belly dance DVD and just copied the women in my living room and saved myself the frustration of Nadia yelling at me when I don’t pick up a new step in 5 minutes of her “showing” it to us. I wanted to learn how to shimmy, how to move my arms, how to belly dance…not learn the sequential steps in a singular dance I am expected to perform in august. Wtf! I can’t use anything I learned outside that curriculum, all I know are 15 steps and their order.
Not pleased, that is what I am.

One thing I am pleased with is Star Trek.
I have seen it 3 times, once at the imax, and that movie ROCKS! I have always loved Spock, but it has always been a dirty little secret of mine. Now I’m letting the whole world know. I LOVE MR. SPOCK!
My mum and dad are trekkies, but I was always into Star Wars. I grew up with ST, however. The original show, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Enterprise….so I did like it and know the characters. I took my dad to see Star Trek the Saturday it came out (secretly wanting to see it myself but forced to wear a SW t-shirt to hide my enthusiasm) and omg that movie blew me away. It was so good! And Spock….mr. spock….*gets dizzy* my knees are weak, he has nerve-pinched my heart. *tips over*
He can talk logic to me any day.

So, yeah, that is about where my life is now. Looking forward to Terminator, Transformers, Drag Me To Hell, Harry Potter, and my Paramore concert.

Oh! I lost 15 lbs! yay for me! So excited. Gotta keep working at it. :)

So, I have a monster of a headache. I’m sure it’s self wrought, brought on by a lack of caffeine and an abundance of loud music…but it still sucks.

So, beautiful day, 77 degrees, sunny…30 mile per hour winds… gah! wtf, Buffalo can’t have ONE flawless day, can it?
See, wind here is nothing new, nothing to complain about, really…unless that wind causes a HUGE tree limb to snap off and plummet to the ground…no worries, though, he car broke its fall. Inspection was today, and we failed. Why, you ask? Because the diver’s side mirror was smashed…because of the falling tree branch an HOUR before! FML.


So, my mum, out of the blue, was like “let’s go to the mall today!” and I have no money, so I walked the mall and got nothing. Talk about depressing. It is like going to a candy shop while on a diet. A hair salon when balding. A white house banquet when you're a republican. I mean, it’s just cruel!

So yeah, I got to make a list of everything I would have bought if I was rich, and I made a mental note of all the stuff I will have to go back for and try and get at some point. Not likely to happen.
Damn it, I hate being poor. What I wouldn’t give to be a kept woman. I’m not being 100% serious here…I would never be able to not have a job and live off someone else’s money (income or otherwise)… but to be dating a guy with money, money he would be willing to dote upon me now and then, would be SO nice. (*is not thinking mean and nasty jealous thoughts of Jade*)

Some exciting news: my mum bought me some ring pops today. You can’t see it, but my inner child is alight with glee.

I watched a movie marathon, Spiderman 1-3. boy-oh-boy. James Franco is really nice to look at, let me tell you.

Well, I’m off to bed since I work tomorrow. Gotta bring home the green.
Night.
X

Oh, my, god….sometimes I what to throw my phone (I love you, phone) against the wall. Being a part of Twitter is basically the only thing that keeps me going these days of tedium and loneliness, but I am watching more than one person (two, actually) who live in a time zone 5 hours ahead of me, so when it is 8am for them and they are tweeting away about their morning, it is 3am for me, and I am trying to sleep. XD I love you Tom (Felton) I really really do, but I don’t want to hear about your perfect girlfriend (Jade) in the middle of the night. And if I turn my phone on silent (yes, I thought of this) I wake up to 20+ tweets, and often an important missed text or phone call. X_x
I am not following many celebrities at the moment. Like, honestly? I don’t care what most of them do. I started following Tom Felton back when he was new (had less that 30 tweets and less than 2000 followers) and I was like “okay, this is cool” and now he has 450-ish tweets and 22,800+ followers. Jeepers! I am also following Emma Watson (I have no idea why, I don’t like her, haha!) and Jamie Campbell Bower. *shakes head*

So, this is all my intro into why I’m so tired today. So because my phone was on, I got a text at 9am from my second job, asking me to come in. I roll out of bed, lug myself through my routine, and was just about to leave, when I got a second text saying “never mind” about me needing to come in and I was like FUCK! I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I was up at 9:30am when I planned on sleeping in on the day I didn’t have to be at work until 4pm. (that didn’t happen because I was called by my other job and asked to come in an hour early. More on that in a minute) So I cleaned my room, which it desperately needed, and watched Twilight in the process. I really don’t watch this movie as often as you would think. It has been almost 2 weeks. I just never have time, or don’t feel like watching a movie as long as this. (love long movies, appreciate them keeping as much in as possible)
Have you ever watched the movie and managed to peel your eyes away from the male eyecandy long enough to just watch Jessica throughout the film? Her in the lunch room on the first day is just awesome. Her expressions are priceless.


So today is Earth Day, and I hoped to spend it outside, like I do every year, cleaning and gardening, and picking up trash from public areas, but it was 38 degrees out, raining, and gusting wind. YUCK! But this Friday and Saturday it is supposed to be REALLY nice, so I will do my planet some service then!

I got called into work an hour early today. Why? And why did I say yes? Well, I need the money. DUH! But as for the first part, I was called in because the dumbass who runs the bakery (may she burn in hell) didn’t schedule anyone between 3 and 4pm, and instead of having Sue (who would be coming in at 4 for her shift) come in an hour early, they called me. Why? Because I can’t say no, and they know this, and they are always taking advantage of this. It has been pissing me off for a while now that they do this. I get no compensation for this, no bonus, no gift card, no raise, and no appreciation. They don’t even simply cut me some slack because I forgot my nametag today. Fuckers.

Now that I am home, I should dance, practice my routine…but I am so sore and tired. Ugg. And I haven’t eaten yet today…but having gotten this far, I kinda want to keep going. Eating after 9pm just seems a little pointless, even if it is the first thing you have had.

I should fold laundry. Boy, what an exciting life I lead….

Just got back from my friend’s birthday party at the bar she lives next door to. It was a blast. Playing darts all night, everyone else drinking (I don’t drink) and dancing around like a jackass to the jukebox we captured all night. I got to listen to Paramore and All-America Rejects, so I was delighted.

My belly dancing class went well. I volunteered to make the whole class circle skirts (granted they will be paying for the materials and the labor) and I’m both excited and a little daunted by the task. There are only 10-ish women in the class, but, still, that is 10-ish skirts I will be obligated to make if I agree to all this. *meep*
I’m excited though. I am thinking my colours will be yellow, with either a lime green or orange coined hip-scarf. Thoughts?

My back is hurting me a bit. And my legs are tired. I power-walked 4+ miles today. Gah!

Today was a long one. Woke up at 6am, got to work by 7:30 (was almost late because I was dicking around on my computer, as usual) and worked til 4pm. Had only one thing to eat all day, a piece of breakfast pizza at 10am. After work I hurried home, took a shower, dicked around on my computer, and ran off to dance which I was almost late for at 6pm. Then at 7:30 I rushed straight off to the bar for the party and was there until 11pm. Now I am home, it is just after midnight, and I am so freaking tired, but I had 2 giant Monsters today, so I could be awake forever and feel like I’m fine. (I’m really not, lol)
Thank God I don’t have to work until 4pm tomorrow. I can sleep in, clean my room and change my bedding, and get to work without having to power-walk for once. Unless I waste all day dicking around on my computer. Wanna bet?

That was my day, more-or-less in a nutshell. I already twittered about how boring my shift was, and how much I hate people in general, so I won’t get into it here and now.

I like the new picture of the werewolf (shapeshifter wolf) pack for New Moon. I might not be into mutts, but those boys certainly didn’t disappoint me when it came to fleshing out my mental image of the characters. Hope they don’t freeze to death filming in Vancouver, pretending to have a body temp of 108 when they are, really, just a cluster of teenagers with 2% body fat.

Night!